The Cycle of Codependency

For the first time, the elephant of codependency is being addressed. And if I am being completely honest, this elephant is one of the most uncomfortable ones.

For me, codependency was a norm growing up. I grew up in a home where I had to perform tasks or duties in or to be loved. Therefore, I have now developed a sense of codependency as an adult. Love did not come free. Being love came with feeling deep emotional pain. Codependency is defined as the chronic neglect of self, in order to be loved or chosen by another person.

I grew up having the idea and belief that it was my job to make my parents happy. I listened to my mother and her tell me all of her life problems, as a child. I tried to cheer her up, and I felt good about myself when I felt as if she needed me. However, when she had nothing to do with me I felt like a complete failure as a daughter and as a person. I tried to everything possible to get her love and her approval. This resulted in making myself completely available to her at all times. Her feelings and needs were always prioritized over my own, and I felt as if it were my job to make sure she was okay. This lingered into my adult years, even though we had little to no relationship. I still looked for that approval.

She relied on me to comfort her and be there for her, and I relied on her for her positive opinion and approval of me to be valued and loved. We were the true definition of codependency.

What I learned as a child was that love was earned, not given; I needed to be ‘good’ enough, or I might not be loved; other people’s feelings should always come before my own; parts of me are not acceptable and I am not acceptable; love and punishment go hand in hand; and relationships are not really a safe place.

In simplest terms, codependent relationships involve behaviors of excessive enabling, controlling, and care taking within a relationship.

All of my relationships have always been highly codependent. Ultimately, you could say that most of my relationships or partnerships were conditional to some level. I have always been attracted to people who that either (a) I could “rescue” or “fix” OR (b) I thought would “rescue” or “fix” me. Ultimately, I believe this originated in the false belief that I needed other people to make me happy, and likewise, I was responsible for their happiness and their feelings. This was due to long term feelings of low sense of self-worth. However, this dynamic of low self-worth has always clouded all of my relationships.

My value as a person has always been defined by the well-being of those I love. I have always believed that it was my role as a wife, mother, friend, daughter, person to completely devote myself and my happiness to everyone else. This way of thinking made it so that the other people were essentially responsible for my own feelings of safety and security. This has helped continue that cycle of codependency in all of my relationships.

At a certain point in my life I recognized that I have been living in this vicious emotional cycle of codependency. I have realized that focusing all of my efforts on this was only a distraction so that I did not have to heal my own wounds or trauma. If I was focusing on someone or something that was truly out of my own control, I would not have to focus on or fix what I do actually have control over — myself.

I know deep down inside that my happiness is my responsibility, and I have learned a lot about the codependency cycle in therapy. It has been both a terrifying and empowering experience.

Now begins the journey of self-growth.