Managing Highs & Lows of Bipolar Disorder in a Relationship
One of the most challenging aspects of living with bipolar disorder is holding onto friendships and relationships. Bipolar relationships can difficult! Managing my highs and lows of bipolar disorder has proven to be nothing short of a challenging experience. But one thing I have learned is that without the process of learning how to manage my own highs and lows, my relationships with others do not stand a chance; specifically my romantic relationship with my fiance.
The number one thing I learned was that I really had to get educated on my disorder. I had to learn the symptoms, behaviors, and treatment options. I also had to learn my own potential triggers for my low-lows and my high-highs, and how to help mitigate possible the avoidable negative consequences of each.
However, it is not just a learning experience for me alone. It has become a learning experience for my fiancé, as well. Both of us had to know what to expect and what to be aware of. It is important for us to both continue to learn these things together to help us establish healthy boundaries, expectations, and communication for our relationship. Sometimes this can look like me sharing my mood level based on a 0–10 scale, with 0 being low and 10 being high. On other days, it is a mental health check — “did you take your medication today?” or “did you attend therapy?” And sometimes, it even requires us to go to couples counseling together because I have found myself to be this emotionally delicate creature.
Together, we have had to that my signs of mania include: increased physical and mental activity, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence, excessive irritability or aggressive behaviors, decreased need for sleep, rapid speech or thoughts, increased sexual desires, and increased spending (or lack of financial responsibility). We have also been able to learn the signs of my depressive states include: prolonged sadness, changes in appetite and increased need for sleep, irritability, anger, worry, increased pessimism, loss of energy, extreme feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and even recurring thoughts of suicide or death.
Another thing we have learned is that communication is essential to supporting me and our relationship with my bipolar disorder. I have learned that it is important for me to open up about my symptoms with my fiancé on a regular basis. Regular communication is extremely important. We talk about what I am feeling, and he will communicate what he has noticed whether that be progressions or depressions. Experience helps with this, too. We have come to learn and realize the different signs of stress, the signals to my triggers, and when it is safe offer hugs and physical affection or when to give space.
We have also learned how to engage in pre-emptive damage control as we have learned that my manic and depressive episodes have lead to destructive behaviors to include alcohol and drug use, financial distress, and other behaviors that have the potential to harm our relationship. It has become necessary for us to have the ability to know how to spot the early warning signs and when these episodes are occurring because it has helped us to know how to better manage them when they do occur to help us boost our relationship. For example, we have learned some of my bipolar triggers, such as lack of sleep or increased stress, and where I need to go for help, such as my psychotherapist, my AA sponsor, my AA network of ladies, before the episode becomes severe.
However, it is important that I remember that my depressive episodes can lead me into hopelessness, emptiness, and even thoughts of suicide (among many other symptoms). It is important for me, and my partner, to watch for these warning signs of these low-lows so that we can take those early measure to avoid severe distress.
Lastly, I have learned that I have to practice acceptance and forgiveness with my disorder. I have a tendency to say and do terrible things when I am in a depressive or manic episode, so it can be difficult for both of us to just move on. While it is never acceptable to be mistreated by someone who is suffering an episode of their bipolar disorder cycling out of control, it has helped when the other is able to recognize that it is due to the illness and is ready to be forgiving. With that being said, it has also become an important practice for myself to become accountable and apologize for my own destructive behavior related to my illness, even when it is out of control. Often times, I have found myself not remembering some of the hurtful things that may have been seen in my manic states, which means I have to be prepared to cope with the disappointment of those who I am harmed in my cyclone of destruction.
We have also learned that a certain level of acceptance has to be there that my bipolar disorder is part of me, and it is not always something I can control; although I am learning to manage it better with medication and psychotherapy treatment. With acceptance, we have been able to move forward in most situations in a positive and productive way.
My fiance has told me me that loving someone with a mental illness is not easy and provides it’s own challenges beyond a normal relationship, and I believe he has had to take on a new “normal” in life once our lives merged. This new normal consists of increased daily responsibilities, to include ensuring that my mental health is a priority. I can honestly tell you that I know that he is exhausted somedays, and other days he is longing for the days when I am able to take care of him instead of the other way around. It is almost as if he has lost part of his life since taking on mine, which has taken time and acceptance.
It has been a daily and day-to-day challenge knowing what to do and how to do it to just support me throughout my illness, without him becoming consumed in my depression and mania. Speaking from our own experience with my bipolar disorder, I can truly say that my fiance has felt as though his own identities have been buried or as though he has lost himself or jeopardized his own mental health through my challenges and episodes.
With that being said, I am slowly learning that caring for my own mental health wellness is key. This has been difficult to understand and accept, and it will even be difficult to master. However, self-care is essential for myself. Bipolar can be manageable, but it takes work.
Self-care is also important for my fiance, though. Without self-care for him, he is at a much greater risk of becoming depressed by neglecting himself. This means he must make time to restore his own energy and spiritual fitness, reduce his stress, and deal with his feelings of guilt and anger.
